A Day in the Scarlet Devil Mansion
by churrokun
Summary: I mean seriously, what are those people with evil powers of awesomeness REALLY THINKING? Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to ZUN.
1. Chapter 1

**Remilia's POV**

Darn.

The winds are blowing the clouds away. Ugh. So much for an outdoor tea break.

Screw the sun.

"Sakuya, bring my tea into the mansion," I stretched my wings while she bowed and began shifting the Victorian tableware onto her circular, silver tray. Come to think of it, I've never seen her without it. She's pretty capable for a puny human. If not, I'd have to eat her.

I made my way back into the mansion as the disgusting rays of sunlight hit my head. I could feel the heat burning into my skull and the smell of smoke emitting from my hair. I began to quicken my pace. 500-years of training, and I still melt at the tiniest, most insignificant ultra-violet ray.

"Sakuya!" I snapped. "Parasol! Now!"

Sakuya hurried over with the tray full of madeleines and tea while ordering the other maids to clear up the table behind her. It was a swift operation, and in a second she was next to me, parasol in one hand, tray on another.

But she could be faster.

"Sakuya, what's the time?" I adjusted my hat while walking into the mansion.

"It's 11:45am, Mistress," She said firmly, yet humbly. She tried to catch up with every step I took, while balancing madeleines and tea and closing the parasol. I tilted my head back and glanced at her lazily. Tell me something that convinces me why I should continue to believe a simple human like you is worthy of serving to me again.

"The laundry is done, the mansion has been cleaned, the garden has been weeded and the library has been left alone due to Miss Patchouli's refusal to clean her scrolls and books. Your room has been done up by me personally, and Miss Meiling's and her henchmen's wages have been cleared for this month." She stated, remaining pokerfaced.

Meh. I walked up the stairwell towards the library with disdain.

Patchouli, you dirty girl.

I stopped in my tracks and faced my slave with dust-colored hair. My face was at her chest level. I squinted, and stepped back. After all these years, it seems like I haven't grown a damn inch.

"Laundry, huh? Was there… was there any stretch marks or loose buttons?" I quipped. Out of curiosity. Somehow I couldn't stop staring at her chest. Again. I frowned.

"No, Mistress. Ever since I got here, you've been asking that every week, is there something wrong with the processes of washing your garments that you want to be changed?" She asked, still handling the tray with one palm, with her stupid normal sized boobs. She caught me glancing and touched her collar. She raised her eyebrows.

Ugh, Remilia, stop staring- why the hell does mine look so flat? She's like, 480 years younger than me! This is so unfair!

I could feel my face burning. And I was already out of the freakin' sun.

I turned away and walked briskly past Koakuma, who was arranging books amidst the hundreds of ancient, baroque-styled bookshelves.

"Go and make preparations in my room so I can continue my tea. I've got things I want to talk to Patchouli about." I cleared my throat and shook off my envy. Ridiculous. I'm 480 years more powerful than she will ever be anyway. Regardless of my chest size.

"Yes, Mistress. Will there be anything else you need?" She bowed, with her free hand on one of her boobs which made it contrast and look even bigger-

"You know what to do, it's about time for Flan's lunch," I replied curtly, and flashed a smirk.

Yes. I purposely sent her to Flan. She can't escape that demonic, hellish duty even if she had bigger breasts.

She backed away and went off to her duties when I walked towards the only mahogany study table in the middle of the entire library, where I knew where Patchouli would be. I stretched my wings and flapped them for good measure, when dust from everywhere attacked my eyes and throat.

"Remi, is that you? I hear coughing and swearing again." Patchouli walked out from the darkness amongst the bookshelves and was, nevertheless, holding a book. "You know, I did warn you countless times about not flapping your wings here." She stated matter-of-factly offered me her handkerchief.

"Patchy, I'll do what I want. I still don't understand why you choose to stay in such a filthy place. At least dust the area," I took it and wiped my dust-collated tears. Returning it to her, I swatted dust away from my face. "A few million times ought to do it."

Patchouli tutted and went on about some old scrolls having words that would fade away at the tiniest movement of air. Blah blah blah blah. I yawned, and decided that I would probably be better off in my room munching on madeleines and watching Hong Meiling prance around at the front gate. She could be so amusing at times.

"That's why, Remi, for the next century, don't ever ask me to clean the library again. You heard that, didn't you, Remi? Remi?" She waved her book in my face. I wrinkled my nose. Ugh, dust. Oh, I almost forgot, I came to this dreaded place for a specific reason.

"Patchy, could you make yourself useful and find out how to grow boobs?"

* * *

My very first touhou fanfiction, please have mercy 8'D and leave some feedback please? :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Sakuya's POV**

"You know what to do, it's about time for Flan's lunch," 'Her Royal Highness' stated rudely, and flashed a smirk.

You know, Scarlet, I could have let you melt there and then. The beautiful, warm rays of the sun that were destroying you, was my only amusement so far in these couple of weeks. _Burn, baby, burn._

I held back a grin. Well, this means that I don't have to change the madeleines I dropped earlier, then. Time manipulation can be so convenient sometimes, although, the old hag would have sensed that I manipulated time with her around if I took too long.

I sincerely hope you choke on the dirty madeleines, vampire. I yearn for more entertainment every single day as I lead this dreary, routined life you bestowed upon me.

Yes; every single day, I'm stuck in this sad, dark mansion, dusting corners and old frames. Using my awesome time manipulation skills, to boil the perfect tasting soup.

Every single damn week, I have to let the demonic pest stare at my breasts without gloating back at her, that she, a vampire of 500 years, is as flat as a pancake.

The only time I ever get a break is when I get to watch my colleague, Hong Meiling, prance around the gate. She always brings a smile to my face.

And then, there's lunchtime with the Mini Scarlet. The psycho one.

This is how it goes: I take Mini Scarlet's lunch into the basement where she is supposed to be trapped for all eternity because the old hag said so. Then we play a game of intellectual tag, where she tries, in futile attempts, to set me on fire and threaten to drink my blood, because, she claims, "it's fun that way". This is when she pounces on me and I stop time, putting down her lunch tray and folding her newly dry-cleaned clothes next to it. She has this look of hysteria going on, flying in mid-air, and I take my time to snigger and sew frayed patches on her clothes and hat.

However, there have been times when she is still too quick for me, as after I resume time, she manages to dash out of my grasp and into the great hall, leading towards the library. Every time she manages to do so, she yells and chortles, "Outside! Outside!" about a bloody million times, and shrieks 'Her Non-Holiness's' name while comparing her to a 'fuddy-duddy pomegranate juice loser', which I think is actually a mockery of Scarlet drinking diluted, and very little blood.

Though sometimes, we just sit together and I listen to Mini Scarlet's childish dreams of being able to meet new people and bask in the sun, toes fiddling with the grass and laughing genuinely for the first time in 480 years of her life; three quarters having it spent in a dark, cold basement alone. We also mimic Scarlet and laugh about it. I am actually fonder of her than the old hag.

Sometimes, I wonder why I even continue working here. I get minimum wage, my room is filled with old stuff and I can't put up my posters; I eat European dishes or leftovers everyday and I would literally kill for some sushi. I could quit faster than lightning can strike. I have the power to stop time. I could murder Scarlet if I wanted to. Rumors said people were willing to pay high prices and huge rewards for the death of vampires, especially the ones who don't burn, but were particularly shiny in the sunlight. So why won't I become a vampire slayer? Am I afraid of competition with the one named Buffy?

I walked towards the kitchen and the assistant maids stood aside and bowed. I order them to take care of the garden while I arrange Mini Scarlet's lunch onto my tray, and as I do, I see my name engraved finely on the side of the circular, silver piece of art.

Back then…

Humans have always needed money to buy food in order to survive. During that time, I just learnt how to manipulate my powers and it was so much fun to abuse them. If only I knew better back then, what freedom meant to me now. I could run freely anyway I wanted, pick pockets, prank anyone, everyone; steal accessories and draw on their faces in public and in broad daylight! What joy, what beautiful memories I had created.

But then the recession came.

"Miss Iyazoi, your resume isn't very… …how you say, appealing," The fairly plump woman behind the desk raised her eyebrows at me. "20 years of age, and all you can do is, what you scrawled here, manipulate minutes and seconds?" She scanned through my resume again. "And throw knives? That's all there is to your skills?" She drawled words that were dripping with doubt as she analyzed me from head to toe with her little beady eyes.

Hey, fatty, I didn't wanna come, alright? My Mama wanted me to come here to get a job to support the family. You should be thankful I ain't going to steal your gaudy looking purse.

"Oh yes. Manipulation of time is very useful. I can do things quicker than everybody else," I forced a smile. I could feel my cheeks twitching.

She sighed loudly and pushed her glasses up her big-ass nose. "Miss Iyazoi, don't you mean, quicker than average people?" She snorted. "It's not good to brag, kiddy."

Oh and I suppose you must be a thousand years old and weigh about a thousand pounds, I didn't ask for your snarky comment, fatty, I came for a job, not here to suffer while looking at your face.

"Yes, Miss, you're right. Pardon me please! I am new at job-finding and these kind of stuff," I could swear my voice cracked at the pardon me part. My god I want to throw knives into her cellulite. She snorted again and her giant bosom heaved.

I clenched my fist and my teeth. You're testing my patience, lady.

Typing furiously, she continued drawling.

"We got… street performer, there you go, oh- no? What's with that look of disapproval, honey? Too fancy to be a basker? " She clucked her tongue and shook her head.

"Well, you could be a maid at… this Phantomhive Mansion in Europe, wow- whoops, that just got taken by another guy who can hurl knives too." She clicked multiple times and her eyes popped out. "Oh my goodness. And he's hot, you can't win," she shrugged.

"Next, we've got…what's this place, Gensokyo? What kind of a town is this…?" She frowned and her bushy eyebrows stuck together like a unibrow, while she continued to click furiously. "No matter, your manners and your 'time manipulation skills' should be perfect for this job, Miss Iyazoi," She snorted softly this time, and gave me a despising look that was the final straw. I was about to sock her in the face when she said my favorite word.

"The Scarlet Mansion… sounds awfully _rich_, doesn't it?"

Mama was so excited, she and Papa got out their life savings to buy me this pure silver tray with my name engraved on it. Who would have thought someone would be so ecstatic to let the daughter become a maid? Huh. Papa even told me he did some research on the Scarlet Mansion and told me it was rumored to have vampires haunting the mansion and I should hold the tray whenever I saw one, so I can whack it to death while they melt under the gleam of the silver or something.

Little did I know, I would have to be stuck here for the next millennium.

I made my way towards the library and into a secret passageway, leading to a corridor of lit candles and spider webs. I looked down at the tray. A big cup of human blood bought from a local hospital, a bowl of minestrone soup, a bloody steak with mashed potato along with four rolls of croissant. She should be satisfied.

As human as I was, I had to do something to myself to work for the vampires. I asked the bookworm in the mansion to help me research on time-manipulation to manipulate myself. Can't believe it actually worked. Now everything about me is stuck in the time space of eighty years ago.

A few steps left to my destination, I thought about Mini Scarlet and how my sessions with her sometimes were strangely amusing. She gave me a sense of belonging, which I didn't know how to place in words. She's a pain in the butt, but a good kind of pain.

As I opened the door to the basement, I thought about when my parents were still alive and how Scarlet kept giving me promotions and advanced pays often to support them and let them live to the fullest. Even though Scarlet can have an attitude, and she's a vampire, I know she still has a heart. A rotted, grotesque one shriveled up like a prune, probably, but, it's there. I know it. Maybe that's why I never left.

"Miss Flandre, it's time for your lunch," I called out, continuing to focus with the task I had on hand.

* * *

CHAPTER 2 END! YAYYY. hurrhurr, chapter three is FLANDRE'S SCARLETS 8'D  
Pls feel free to leave feedback :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Flandre's POV**

292, 680 days.

70,243,20 hours.

421,459,200 minutes.

Escaped: 91, 632 times.

Successes: 21,351 times. Failures: 68,201 times.

My wings tinkled as I crossed out the faint white lines with a chalk.

Faint, white lines; lines and lines and lines of calculation.

Tinkle, tinkle.

White lines. White lies. Lies.

As I applied force at the end of the line, the chalk crumbled and dissipated to dust. Sigh. 623,974, 852, 204th time.

"You're too immature. "

"Your powers are uncontrollable, and you'd burn everything up."

"No, I'm still older and wiser than you, and no, I'm not jealous."

…Stupid, fuddy-duddy pomegranate juice lover.

What about my fun?

Creaking… behind the door!

Creaks…thuds… Footsteps?

It must be Sakuya!

She must have brought food again!

I hope she brought more chalk. I pat my skirt free of the chalk dust.

I'm bored… there's nothing fun to play with Sakuya…

…Doesn't she know there mustn't be food without entertainment!

Hmm, or was it the other way around?...

No matter!

As the door creaked open, I split.

One, two, three, four, five.

"Sakuya! Sakuya! Guess which one I am!" Five of me giggled.

"Miss Scarlets, you'll have to eat first before you play, you know," Sakuya smiled calmly. "All of you need to replenish your energy," She closed the door and set the tray down, placing the food out on the table.

One: "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's burn Sister Patchy's library!"

Two: "No, loser, we need to destroy the Sun! LET'S BURN IT DOWN."

Three: "You can't burn the Sun, stupid."

Four: "Hey, who're you calling stupid!"

Five: "We're all the same you know; if she's stupid we're all stupid, stupid."

Three: "Burning the library seems like fun."

One: "I know, right?"

Two: "Guys. We can like, set fire to the rain."

All four of me glared at Two. I shrugged, and merged back slowly.

Into three, into two, into one.

Tinkle, tinkle.

I stretched my arms and began to dig in.

Sakuya sat beside me and smiled while I downed the glass of blood. Out of the corner of my eye, she set down several boxes of chalk.

I wonder if, this is how it will continue to be, for the rest of eternity.

Sakuya took out a laced handkerchief and started to wipe the crystals on my wings.

"You know, Miss Scarlet, you need to learn to use the chalk properly. It isn't easy to clean off the dust and the chalk all at once you know," She stated smoothly. "It's difficult to get them to shine after all your constant activity."

I made some noises of agreement while munching. It wasn't blame nor was it judgment. It was a fact; this place was musty and old, my only activity was playing with chalk and even though Sakuya could stop time, she couldn't stay down here and play with me forever.

I got used to it. Playing with myself.

I wiped my eyes. If my sister didn't want to see me, I guess those white lies she told me must have contribute to a bigger picture.

I returned Sakuya the cutleries and her tray, and then I watched her walk away.

As I set off back into the deepest depths of the basement, my wings continued to tinkle.

Were they shiny?

I would never really know. There was nothing here.

Except for me, and a bunch of chalk.

421,459,306 minutes.

...

421,459,938 minutes.

...

421,473,632 minutes.

Creaking… behind the door…?

Sakuya! That's early!

My attention drew away from all the chalk on the floor as I listened in, even more closely.

"Marisa, this place creeps me out, come on, let's go back to the shrine and get some tea…"

"Think, Reimu! The fact that this place was hidden obviously means its hiding something of value! HUGE Value."

I stood up, and stared into the dim light in the distance.

Sakuya…?

…That smell. It's not her.

Two. There are two.

Who are these people?

"There's something shiny there, lurking there, do you see it?!"

"What, Marisa, seriously, stop imagining your stolen-"

Step by step,

I stepped out of the shadows.

Ah, apricot, and orange marmalade.

Tinkle, tinkle.


End file.
